Sunflowers
by Brandywine421
Summary: Dawn reflects on her life and her children. Rating for Language, Violence, etc.


_Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related. All lyrics belong to Everclear, which I also DO NOT own._

* * *

When you were a child  
You were happy and free  
You were my reason to live  
I would die when you smiled at me  
I can still see you

* * *

She dreamed a lot more now that she was sober. 

It's one of the reason she hated being lucid.

She dreamed, and they weren't even real dreams because they were memories. Loosened by the sobriety and haunting in their intensity.

Things she'd forgotten.

_"Trey, Ry, there's something we have to tell you," Dawn says, leaning against Dave's steady body as his hand rested on her waist. _

_Ryan looks up from inside the television box the neighbor had given him. He's been playing 'spaceship' for hours in that thing, peering over the flaps that he'd raised to imitate the cone of his ship. _

_Trey doesn't even react, still fuming from his dad's refusal to buy him a new bike after he'd trashed the last one. He's sitting sullenly by the flowers Dave's mom had planted. Dawn is too giddy to scold him for the flattened ones by his feet. _

_"Trey, come over here. Your mother has something to say," Dave says_

_Trey gets on his feet then and walks over to stand beside his little brother, kicking the side of the box._

_Ryan's blue eyes narrow over the edge and she has to fight not to laugh._

_Ryan's a bright kid, but he doesn't talk a lot. Especially after he's gotten big enough for Trey to roughhouse with. _

_"Boys, your mom's going to have a baby," Dave says._

_She sees Ryan's eyes light up and he flashes his gap-toothed grin out of the box. She's flooded with love for her son. _

_"Really?" he asks._

_"Yep, for real," she says, grinning. _

_Trey was still frowning. "Is that it? I've got to deal with another brat? Where's it gonna sleep?"_

_"You better be happy for your mother, kid. You're going to be bunking with Ryan and we're going to give the baby your room 'cause it's closest to our room," Dave says, glaring at her oldest. _

_"No fair! I don't want to sleep in Ry's room! He smells!" Trey complains._

_Ryan glares at him again. "At least I don't still wet the bed," he whispered._

_Trey leaps on the box and she remembers Dave taking him inside while she helps Ryan out of the remnants of his spaceship._

_"I'm happy for you, Ma," he says, shyly, getting to his feet without her help. _

_"I'm happy, too, Ry," she says, pulling him into a tight hug._

* * *

I see you run around in circles  
I see you digging your own hole  
I see you fight the fights you just can't win  
I see you losing self control  
What it does to me deep down inside I hope you will never know

* * *

She hated the dreams. 

It'd been a long time since she thought about her kid.

Thought about her sons.

It'd been a long time since she remembered holding them in her arms.

Her boys had been everything to her once.

_"Daddy, stop it!" Ryan is screaming, his arms wrapped tightly around his brother. His favorite Transformer t-shirt is soaked with Trey's blood._

_"Ryan, let go of him, he has to take his punishment…" Dave says._

_She has always let Dave take care of the discipline but tonight is going a little further than she likes._

_Dave lost his job last week and Trey's been extra-hard to handle all week._

_"No, Daddy, stop it…" Ryan begs, trying to shield Trey from Dave's view. _

_Trey's shaking with sobs, blood streaming from his nose and for the first time that she can remember, he's clinging to Ryan's shirt._

_Dave's got his belt out now and she's got the marks to know that he knows how to use it. _

_He glances at her, daring her to stop him and she lowers her gaze._

_"Please, Daddy, I'm sorry…" Trey says, his words choked out._

_"Ryan, let go of him…"_

_"No," Ryan says._

_Dave jerks him by the collar off his brother, slamming him into the wall. _

_Trey curls into a ball, still sobbing._

_Dave glares at him before turning to Ryan and ripping his little shirt off with a rough yank and the sound of the fabric shredding echoes over Trey's tears._

_Dave swings the belt, quickly, raising harsh red welts immediately on Ryan's bare back. _

_She turns away. _

_"You boys will learn to behave!" Dave is saying when she closes the kitchen door. She can hear the sound of leather against flesh as she pours the vodka into her juice. _

_The house goes silent soon after and Dave joins her in the kitchen, leaving the door open so she can see into the other room. _

_He puts the belt on the table, folded in half._

_"I can't afford another mouth to feed," he says. _

_She takes a swallow from her glass._

_She sees Ryan, on his knees and shirtless cross in front of the door. He's hunched over and she can see the thin lines of blood on his pale skin. He doesn't raise his head. _

_"Dawn?"_

_"I know," she says quietly. _

_"So. You'll get rid of it?"_

_"You want me to give it up for adoption?" she asks, still watching Ryan's slow trek across the floor. He finally gets to Trey's side and puts his little hand on his brother's neck. Trey shudders and unfolds to look up at him. _

_Ryan puts his arm around Trey and they hesitate in a clumsy hug before they get up together, supporting each other to their feet. _

_"No, Dawn, keep thinking, I know it takes you a while," Dave snaps, drifting back to the table and picking up the belt again and turning to look at her. "Get rid of it."_

_Her hand goes absently to her stomach. "An abortion?"_

_"Hell, you drink so much, it'll probably be better off," Dave grumbles. "I'll get you the money."_

_She nods absently, watching the way Ryan was murmuring in Trey's ear as they walked out of her view._

_"Good. Do it soon," he says, pushing the belt back through the loops of his pants. _

_It'll probably be better off, she thinks, seeing Ryan's shirt shredded in the floor. _

* * *

I remember you happy  
I remember it all  
All I want to remember  
Pretty pictures on the wall

* * *

I know how you feel, you get crazy inside  
They say it runs in the family  
I know just how you feel when you get crazy inside

* * *

She had memories, but not of the good times. Or the really bad times. 

She missed the alcohol. She hated the way her body needed it more than her family.

She was alone now. Here. With her memories and her dreams.

_Dave is sitting on the couch when she walks in, soaked from the short walk from the bus stop. _

He was supposed to pick her up at the clinic but after half an hour, she couldn't stand being there any more and she'd taken the bus.

"What the fuck, Dave?"

He glances at her. "Car's broken."

She notices the boys sitting in front of him on the floor.

Trey's got his yellow dump truck and he's making lines in the worn carpet as he drives it in circles.

The bruises have faded from his face and he almost looks like her brave little boy again.

Apart from the darkness behind his eyes. He looks almost like his father now.

Ryan's not playing with Trey, he's sitting with his back to Dave, the worn collection of stories opened in front of him. He loves that book with the vibrant pictures. She thinks that he can probably read more of it than his brother can.

She hasn't seen him smile in a few days at least.

She can't remember the last time she saw him smile.

Dave gets up and stands close to her, his hand on her back. "I'm sorry."

"It's too late for that now," she replies. "It's done."

"Let me take you out to dinner. Make it up to you."

She stares at his eyes, forcing herself not to fall into his trap. He may be sorry, but he knew exactly what he had asked her to do.

"You can't make this up to me, Dave. Not this," she whispers. She looks away from him and catches Ryan's eyes on her. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing," he murmurs, returning his attention to the book.

"Let's go play in our room," Trey says quickly, closing the book for him and tucking his truck under his arm. He waits for Ryan to pick up the book and throws an arm around his shoulders.

"What'd the kid do to you today? They've been good all day, the rain makes them quiet," Dave says.

"I just don't want him looking at me. I just want it to stay quiet," she says.

He leads her into the kitchen. "Ryan's always quiet, honey. I swear, you must've got him from the milkman."

"Shut up," she snaps. She hates when he talks to her like that.

"Damn, Dawn, you don't have to be such a bitch."

"I just killed a baby," she says seriously. She barely flinches when he slaps her across the face.

"It wasn't a baby. It was a mistake."

"This whole thing feels like a mistake," she hisses as he puts his hand to her swelling cheek.

"I'm sorry, Dawnie…it's just…I'm doing the best I can…"

"You're changing. You don't…you don't even love us anymore, you're so caught up in being pissed off about your job that you can't see what you're doing to us," she whispers, being honest for the first time in a long time.

"I'll get a new job and things will go back to normal. I do love you, Dawn. We're in this together."

"I want you to be nicer to the boys. They're just kids," she says.

"I love 'em, Dawn. But I won't have a couple of spoiled brats running around. They've got to learn."

"I know," she says, leaning into his embrace.

"We'll get through this, honey. Nobody said it would be easy."

She's content to let him hold her, content that he really means it when he says that he loves her.

Dave takes care of her.

"There's one of the little men now. What's up, Ry?" Dave calls, releasing her and leaning down to touch his soft hair.

Ryan flinches before allowing his dad to muss his hair and she glimpses the fading bruises on his back. He wears the punishment longer than his brother. He's such a small boy.

"Ry?" she calls when he still hasn't said anything.

He looks up at her and she can't read anything in his eyes. She can tell that he didn't expect to find them in the kitchen. "I'm sorry…" he says finally and shuffles back out of the kitchen.

"Come on, honey. Even the boys know we need some alone time. Let me make you a drink…"

Her own son wouldn't even look at her. Not after what she'd done.

* * *

I know where you go when you want to fall  
Why do you want to be broken?

* * *

She shifted in the unfamiliar bed, her muscles stiff from lying down so long. 

She didn't want to remember.

But this was her punishment.

She'd lost both her boys a long time before she'd physically walked away from them.

So she closed her eyes.

And let the memories come back.

"_Goddammit, Ry, you know your dad's going to be pissed when he sees this," she snaps, seeing the remains of Trey's Lego wars strewed across the living room._

Ryan doesn't say anything, he just continues picking up the shattered pieces.

Trey had disappeared to one of the neighbor's houses, knowing that he was going to get in trouble but Ryan never seems to know when to run and hide.

"Honey?" she calls.

Ryan doesn't even look up. The kind word just bounces off him.

She realizes that it's been a few days since she heard him say anything. He's been so quiet lately.

"Ryan, come here…"

He drops the broken pieces into the tub along with the ones that Trey hasn't damaged yet but he doesn't come near her.

She had snapped at him that one time for looking at her and it took a huge effort just to get him to meet her eyes.

He was such a little boy.

But sometimes he seems like he understands everything.

"Ryan, baby, come here…"

Reluctantly, he walks over to her, picking up Legos between his steps until his hands are full of the brightly colored plastic.

"What's wrong?" she asks, tilting his chin so he'll look at her. "You've barely said a word lately. What's on your mind?"

He looks at her, his eyes bluer than she's ever seen. "If Dad tells you to…are you going to get rid of us, too?"

She gasps, pulling him into an impulsive hug. "Oh, baby, no, never…you aren't going anywhere…I would never leave my babies..."

"I try to be good…" he whispers.

"You're a good kid, Ryan, you're the best kid…you're my little man, aren't you?" she asks, rocking him gently.

He doesn't say anything and when she releases him from her hug, he steps back, looking down. "I'm sorry. That you're sad. And that I don't get a brother or sister. And that Daddy's always mad. I'll try to be good," he says quietly, returning to the tub and dropping in the pieces into the bucket.

"Ryan…" she starts but she's interrupted by the front door slamming shut. Dave walks in with Trey stomping in front of him, tethered by the collar on his shirt.

"Mrs. Dennis asked me to bring him home. He's been ruining her garden again," Dave growls.

"She's lying!" Trey insists, even though he's still got mulch stuck to his socks.

Dawn glances at Ryan and sees that he's shrunken himself down even smaller, watching Dave warily.

"Go to your room. Both of you," he says, letting go of Trey and shoving him forward. "I'll deal with you later."

Ryan follows Trey out of the room, never looking up.

"That fucking kid," Dave mutters.

"How'd the interview go?" she asks.

"It didn't. They'd already filled the position," he replies.

She sighs.

"I've got something in the works, though. We'll just have to try something different this time," Dave says quietly.

"All right. I trust you, I know we'll be all right."

FIN.


End file.
